Dear Ex-Husband,
Last Sunday the minister taught a lesson to prepare us for Thanksgiving. It was about the ten lepers who had been healed by Jesus found in Luke 17: 11 ff. Ten men cried out to Jesus for healing, but only one came back to show gratitude for the miracle that had been done for them.
The minister emphasized the importance of stepping forward in faith, but to also look back with thankfulness.
I admit that most of the time when I look back on our 20-year marriage, it isn’t gratitude that is filling my mind and heart.
Most of the time…even though it has been nearly eight years…and even though I am now happier in my life than I ever was in our life together…I have to admit, I still look back with bitterness, and regret, and hurt.
“Broken Heart” taken by Alex Bruda courtesy of freeimages.com
I still don’t like you…sometimes I kind of hate you. Even though I have forgiven much of what you did to me, to our children, to us…I haven’t forgiven everything. Maybe I never will.
But I still want to take this opportunity to look back and thank you.
First, and foremost, I thank you for our 3 bright, beautiful, and amazing kids. They have been the joy of my life. They have taught me more about love and faith and perseverance than I could have ever known. I never wanted anything in my life more than I wanted to be a mom, a good mom. I can’t imagine my life without them and I am so incredibly thankful for them.
Secondly, thank you for trying to be a good dad to our children. You tried to teach them your values and your faith. You attended every soccer game, every performance, every important event in their lives. You laughed with them and played with them; you disciplined them and loved them. Thank you for giving them a childhood with a caring father.
Lastly, thank you for allowing me to be the stay-at-home mom I wanted to be. When I found it nearly impossible to balance career and homemaking and motherhood, you gave me the chance to be primarily at home. When our son didn’t learn to read like the other kids, you allowed me to bring him home to school him until he caught up! How did we know that experiment would turn into our lifestyle? You gave me the gift of TIME. Time to be present, time to teach, time to spend with our kids every single day.
One time, maybe just to hurt me, you told me that I had taken everything from you that you had ever wanted. Remembering that still hurts me.
But you gave me everything I wanted…I wanted a family and I wanted time with my kids…and that is what you provided for me.
It is still so difficult to fathom how you could leave our beautiful family…our remarkable children…how you could just reject and forsake and abandon us like you did. How you could be the cause of the bleary-eyed sadness that clouded your baby girl’s eyes and hardened her heart. How dare you do that to the very kids you loved so much!
Maybe I will never be able to understand how you could do what you did, but thanking you might be one more step in forgiving you.
As I step forward into my new goals and dreams and opportunities, I am remembering to look back in gratitude. And somehow thankfulness softens the edges of my regret and bitterness. And that is a bit of a miracle in itself.
ReLoriMichelle 